Slot machines

So. I haven't been around in a few weeks. Busy things, holidays and quasi-disabled husbands and such. I have been alone with my thoughts and they run rampant. I am scared to think about things - scared to admit my thoughts. Either they are crazy/silly/ridiculous or I don't like what they mean.

For years now, I have struggled with my walk with God. I haven't been satisfied with the non-level of relationship I have had with Him. But I haven't found the gumption to make it better. Or I struggled with it for so long that now I have learned helplessness. Whichever, I suck, and I don't like that.

So all this disbelief/wariness for Him leaves me feeling strange. I believe in Him. But I don't want to trust Him with the big things because I am afraid that I will be disappointed. I guess I think that if I don't ask, then it's not His fault he didn't answer.

I understand that it is flawed logic. But there comes a point when faith is smaller than the mustard seed, and I begin to come undone. Grasping at straws to save myself. But God is not like that. He doesn't have a tally sheet of the misdeeds and successes I've made, and a complicated formula for the strength of Smite he will use on me today. Simply put, Jesus died for our sins, and I accepted the forgiveness He offered. The rest is just growing.

But therein lies my problem. Water is essential to the growth of a plant. I feel so dry. Like God is turning a deaf ear to my problems, and so I'm hurting, and parched.

I don't know the answer here. I guess I'll just keep plugging away at it until something makes sense. Like playing the slot machines of life.