Slot machines

So. I haven't been around in a few weeks. Busy things, holidays and quasi-disabled husbands and such. I have been alone with my thoughts and they run rampant. I am scared to think about things - scared to admit my thoughts. Either they are crazy/silly/ridiculous or I don't like what they mean.

For years now, I have struggled with my walk with God. I haven't been satisfied with the non-level of relationship I have had with Him. But I haven't found the gumption to make it better. Or I struggled with it for so long that now I have learned helplessness. Whichever, I suck, and I don't like that.

So all this disbelief/wariness for Him leaves me feeling strange. I believe in Him. But I don't want to trust Him with the big things because I am afraid that I will be disappointed. I guess I think that if I don't ask, then it's not His fault he didn't answer.

I understand that it is flawed logic. But there comes a point when faith is smaller than the mustard seed, and I begin to come undone. Grasping at straws to save myself. But God is not like that. He doesn't have a tally sheet of the misdeeds and successes I've made, and a complicated formula for the strength of Smite he will use on me today. Simply put, Jesus died for our sins, and I accepted the forgiveness He offered. The rest is just growing.

But therein lies my problem. Water is essential to the growth of a plant. I feel so dry. Like God is turning a deaf ear to my problems, and so I'm hurting, and parched.

I don't know the answer here. I guess I'll just keep plugging away at it until something makes sense. Like playing the slot machines of life.

Friends

I have come to the realization that I have no friends. Ok. I knew that already, but I am feeling keenly the absence of bosom companions with which to share my life. I have Husband. But he's all. In a way, he's enough. But I need a girlfriend. I need someone who understands my hormones and, well, my female-ness.

I am trying so hard to understand my life and purpose...I feel eighteen again but with more perspective this time around. I don't seek to change the world anymore. I understand that I lack the ambition to do that. I just want to hold my own.

I want to be musical. I want to sing and play and write. I want to have kids who live up to their potential. I want to be the best darn wife and mother ever. I want to live out my life in a manner that I can be proud of. When I am on my deathbed. I want something meaningful to pass before my eyes.

I want to learn how to praise God again. I want to get back that intimate relationship that I once had with Him. Some might call it foolish, but I know what it was for me. I am a little misdirected sometimes, but I'm not crazy. I know that peace that came from knowing Him, and I have found that nowhere.

Believe me, I looked. Hard.

At 30, I have matured a good deal. I am calmer now. More laid back. Way more organized. But in my head, I can be the same spastic little girl. Flitting about from idea to idea, never settling on one thing for long. Focus. It's a good thing. If someone could tell me where to buy that, I would totally stock up on it.

I think that if I had these elusive female companions, we could channel our estrogen to accomplish great feats, we could. Maybe they're in the store, next to the focus. Go figure.